Katie Cramer Donor Drive » Finding Katie a bone marrow donor.

It’s now been six months since Katie left us – such a small amount of time that seems like an eternity.  Have we made progress? Yes, much!  Do we still ache with longing to see our daughter once again? Yes, indeed!

We started a Grief Share group at our church two weeks ago which I believe is going to be very helpful for us.  It is small, with just four families involved, all who have lost children.  In my opinion, losing a child is very different than losing a spouse, parent, or other loved one.  The grief pieces are similar; the ramifications of the loss are, I believe, deeper.  It is my prayer that each of us will not only comfort and strengthen the others in this group, but to actually rise victorious from our grief.

The shock of losing Katie is diminishing (though I still have brief periods of thinking, “I can’t believe this really happened to us.”).  However, the reality of the loss is increasing.  Truly, I should say “losses”.  We did not just lose a daughter and a sister – we lost the potential joy and satisfaction of seeing her graduate from high school and college, fall in love, get married, have children, have cousins for her siblings, watch her be her best friends’ bride’s maids, and all the myriad of other highlights of one’s future.  David and Anna have had a significant loss which they will carry into their adulthood, as will her very close friends.

Yet, despite all of these losses, I fully believe that Katie did not depart this Earth one day earlier than had been planned for her. “Man’s days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed.” (Job 14:5)  I want her here with us; yet, God’s ways are higher than our ways, and I am in no position to argue with His reasoning.  It is an act of daily submission to His will, not mine, being done.

The Lord has been teaching me many things, and I am making copious notes.  The website I wanted to start, though, takes more mental energy than I have stored up at this point in time.  My new mantra is “Just do the next thing.”  Sometimes this is as basic as folding clothes or taking a shower; sometimes it is as mentally challenging as making dental and doctors’ appointments. To get the website up and going will have to wait until I can move beyond just being able to “doing the next thing.”

In our last Grief Share meeting, there was a suggestion was to write a “Grief Letter” to give to friends and family. Grief is an awkward situation on both sides of the aisle.  What do you say to me if you see me?  How much do I share with you about where I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually?   Anyway, I thought I’d give it a try here:

Dear Friend,

I know it’s uncomfortable for you to interact act with me in my state of grief. You don’t know what to say, you don’t want to make me sad.  It’s ok.  I understand.  Safe and good statements could sound something like this:

“I want you to know I think about you and Katie often.  I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“I was thinking about Katie the other day.  I remember when….”

“I will continue to pray for your family’s healing.”

Don’t be afraid to mention Katie; it is my joy to talk about her and remember her.  If I cry, don’t worry…while it may be uncomfortable to watch me cry, it really is a good thing; you have not made me sad.  Crying helps relieve the built up sadness that is always present in my heart and mind.

We will make it through this difficult time. I fully believe that things will get better.  We will learn to live, and love, and laugh once again.  And, as our pastor said to Michael and I, “There is still story to be written.” 

Thank you for your continued prayers for our family!

Sherrie

To My Dear Katie,

          I love and miss you more each day.  The only thing that carries me though is the grace and peace I receive from Jesus, and the absolute sure belief that I will see you again.  I am holding on to that promise!

          As my first child, you hold a magical place in my heart.  I treasure the memories of receiving you on May 2, 1999, in a hotel room in Nanning, Guangxi, China.  Within the first few minutes, you quickly learned that we were suckers for you; you had us wrapped around your little finger from day one.  That never stopped.

          I miss your voice most of all.  I can’t hear you, and can’t remember how you sound, and that makes me sad.

          I ask Jesus often to tell you I love you, and that I always will. You absence is deeply felt in our family and with those who loved and knew you well.   I pray that the next six months, six years, six decades, flies quickly, and I will see you once again.

          4^th of July just passed and I grieved for  you several times that day.  You had an unusual love of your new country, America.  Your interest in politics at a young age of 15 amazed me.   I think it was guided by your clear-cut sense of what was right and what was wrong.  You would have made an excellent judge!

          Well, sweetheart…I wish I could kiss you good-night.  Jesus, will you please give Katie a big hug from her mom?  Thank you, Lord, for the promise of Heaven!

Mom

This will be one of the last journal entries for this website. The Lord is leading in the closing of this chapter of our lives, and I am trying to patiently discern the new direction He is taking me in regards to journaling. I have been encouraged by many to continue writing, and I thank you for that encouragement. I will be starting a new blog over the next several weeks. I hope many of you will never need to read this blog, since the focus will be on finding joy in the sorrow of losing a child. I will post that information once I get the site up and running.

It has been an honor and a blessing – a difficult one, most of the time – to keep the readers of Katie’s journey posted on all the ups and downs we have experienced over the past several years. Through this website, many of you have reached out to encourage and support us in various ways, and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for those blessings! We have been the recipient of many good things during this difficult time in our lives; I’m not sure how we would have survived without the help of so many people. We thank you for allowing the Lord to use you to bring us hope, peace, faith, and love. Our sincere hope is that now we will be able to bring the same to others.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” (2 Cor. 1:3,4)

We will be holding a yard sale this Saturday, May 21st, 8:00 AM – 2:00 PM, with proceeds of the sale going to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society through Rosemary Gong, candidate for the 2011 L&LS Woman of the Year Campaign.  ( http://auntielaofanclub.org/blog/ )  If you have any last minute items you would like to drop off for the sale, please bring them to our house (4364 Briarwood Drive, Sacramento 95821). Or, just drop by and browse…there just may be something you can’t live without!

Again, thank you and God bless each of you! 

In faith, hope, and love,

Sherrie

Katie has a new friend with her in Heaven now.  Beautiful Sara Corbelli, age 13, went to be with Jesus this past Wednesday.  No more cancer, no more pokes, chemo, disappointments, nausea, hospitalizations, surgeries, pain, baldness, etc.! Though she is free and totally healed, we are saddened at the loss of another young person to cancer. Would you please pray for the Corbelli’s as they go through the next few weeks of planning Sara’s services? Please also pray for Sara’s brother who misses his sister so very much.  Thank you. 

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/saraco

We will be having a yard sale on Saturday, May 21st, to raise money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society through Rosemary Gong, candidate for 2011 Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Woman of the Year.  If you have any items you would like to donate for this yard sale, please email me at mskad@sbcglobal.net to make arrangements for pick up or delivery of those items.  All money raised will be given toward Rosemary’s campaign.  Please help us make strides towards finding a curing for leukemia and lymphoma! Thank you!!

http://auntielaofanclub.org/blog/ 

Well, four months later and I am still plugging away at thank you cards and emails to all the wonderful people who helped lightened our heavy load.  We were fortunate to be the recipients of so many blessings…it may take me an eternity to get around to everyone!   Hopefully, though, I’ll get to everyone on this side of eternity! If you haven’t heard from me personally, please don’t think I have forgotten your generosity…I’m just overwhelmed, and all strides forward are made with tiny, tiny baby steps.

With faith, hope and love,

Sherrie

We had the special honor of attending the fourth annual Miss Asia Sacramento Pageant last night and awarding a special young woman the “Spirit of Katie” Award. It was a bittersweet night, as we remembered Katie walking the stage last year at this time looking so grownup and elegant, with her smiling beaming.  We presented the award to Miss Simone Sarmiento, who was also crowned 1st Teen Princess.  During our brief interviews with the five teen candidates, we felt that Simone possessed many of the same attributes Katie showed us – especially during the last year of her life –  those attributes being courage and strength in the face of trials, hope for brighter days ahead, and a willingness to be a positive role model for those who look to her for leadership.  Congratulations Simone!

The Lord has been so good to us during these difficult days, allowing us to rest in His provisions and timing, believing He makes all things beautiful in their proper time.  (Ecclesiastes 3:11) There has been no more convincing proof of the existence of God and His unlimited love for me (and you!) than His orchestrating the events of my life. This blog and my limited time don’t allow me to go into detail on this here, but the most recent example of this evidence for me came just last Friday.  Call me crazy, but Good Friday is my favorite “holy day”. Partly, this is due to the fact that Good Friday hasn’t been commercialized; that, in and of itself, is a blessing – no gifts to buy, no cards to send, no special decorating of the house. All one needs to do is focus on the Lord Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross for our sins, so that we can reap the blessings of eternal life. What a trade-off – the God and creator of this world sending His only begotten Son to pay for my sins by death on the cross – a price I could never pay – so that I can live forever with Him in Heaven. Truly amazing!

Well, it just so happened that my birthday this year fell on Good Friday.  Now, I try not to make too big of a deal about my birthday, especially as the years keep rolling on; but, this was going to be my first birthday without Katie here with us, and those “firsts” are always hard.  But, I had the joy of having greater and more awesome thoughts fill my mind that day than just about me, myself and I. Thank you, Lord, for your perfect timing once again!

We plan to visit Katie’s grave today for the first time.  What better day to go to a cemetery than on Easter Sunday?  A friend of mine told me something her pastor said which I thought was excellent.  He said he wished the Lord would give him 10-15 minutes’ notice prior to His return so that he could get to a cemetery to witness the resurrection of the saints! Can you imagine that!

“For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord.” (1 Thessalonians 4:16,17) 

Please remember Sara and her family in prayer as she is having a difficult time right now. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/saraco

Wishing you a joyful Resurrection Day!  He is risen!

He is risen, indeed! 

Sherrie

Darkness, despair, anguish — these words lack the power to express the feelings I experienced last Friday, April 9.  Even my friend, Mr. Thesaurus, left me rummaging for the elusive word as I composed this entry.

I woke up that day with an extreme heaviness and a sadness I had never felt before. This feeling stayed with me, unabated, until my body finally succumbed to sleep late that night. Tears flowed, or were barricaded by sheer will, throughout the day. Desolation imploded to the core of my being. Was this a delayed grief reaction? Had something I couldn’t consciously pinpoint triggered the despondency which overwhelmed me? Or, did my internal time clock recognize that it was one year to the date that we received the news that Katie was relapsing? (I hadn’t realized that fact until just yesterday, the 11th.)  I was unable to pray, or to focus my mind on my one sure hope: that Jesus has made a way for me to live eternally, and I will see Katie once again.

This “feeling” (I almost want to call it “oppression”) finally lifted by mid-afternoon the next day, and I’ve now been able to step back and scrutinize this experience. This is my conclusion: I honestly believe that the Lord allowed me to taste, for a brief moment in time, what it would be like to not have the assurance of the hope of Heaven. All I could comprehended that day was my child was dead – gone from this earth. No more will I see or hear her. No more hopes for her future. No more fulfilling of her daily needs.  I was left with only my faltering memories, along with some pictures and a few earthly treasures stored in plastic boxes. Pure emptiness. Pure futility of life.

What can bring any lasting comfort to the bereaved parent but the sure knowledge that you will be with that person once again? Acts of kindness, remembrance and honoring surely help the healing process – all are appropriate, good, and necessary; but, unless done for the glory of God, they are temporary.  As C.T. Studd wrote in his poem: “Only one life, ’twill soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last.”

So, do we stopping doing good, or stop honoring our daughter and others who have battled and continue to battle cancer? Never! But, the focus for us must and will be:  “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:17) Only with this as our primary goal will there be any lasting treasure or reward, or earthly consulation.

With this end in mind – to honor Katie for God’s glory – we would like to ask you to support Rosemary Gong, candidate for the 2011 Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Woman of the Year.  As one who has battled AML and survived a stem cell transplant, she knows all too well the challenges this disease places on one’s body, finances, family and friends. She is out there working diligently to raise money to help increase the survival statistics for leukemia and lymphoma patients. This Saturday, April 16th, there will be a book and media sale in San Francisco to help raise funds for her campaign.  Our family will be heading over to the Bay area that morning to show our support for Rosemary.  If you have any unwanted books, CDs, or DVDs, feel free to drop them off to us (or I can come by and pick them up at your house) prior to Saturday morning, and we’ll be happy to contribute them to the sale. And please visit Auntie Lao’s Fan Club for other ways you can support Rosemary! (Check out the “Events” tab for upcoming events.  There is also a section where Rosemary honors Katie, for which we are very appreciative!)

http://auntielaofanclub.org/blog/

Also, I am planning a garage sale sometime in May in which all money raised will be donated to Rosemary’s campaign.  If you have any unwanted items that you would like to donate, please contact me by email and we can arrange to have those items in the sale.  Further details will be posted as soon as I have a date set.

Thank you for your continued support and prayers for our family.  May the Lord bless each of you, and may you choose this day to follow the only One who can give you the peace that passes all understanding.  (Philippians 4:7)

With faith, hope, and love,

Sherrie